Note to stressed parents: Instead of trying to be perfect, do this.

Parental stress is an urgent public health crisis, according to a 2024 U.S. Surgeon General report that found nearly half of parents and caregivers face daily pressures that they feel are “completely overwhelming.”

A panel of experts convened recently at Harvard’s T.H. Chan School of Public Health to discuss how parents can care for themselves while raising healthy children and what communities and governments can do to help.

Karestan Koenen, a professor of psychiatric epidemiology at the Chan School, kicked off the discussion by acknowledging the unique strains on parents today.

“The first thing I want to say is that there isn’t anything wrong with the parents themselves,” she said. “I think when we’re stressed as parents, we often blame ourselves, but parents are facing so many systemic challenges. Challenges coming out of the COVID-19 pandemic, challenges with lower incomes, higher childcare costs, community supports being eroded, the barrage of information from social media and global events.”

When a parent gets overwhelmed, the panelists agreed, the first step is to acknowledge it.

“The key here is recognizing early on when there’s distress, difficulties moving day to day, when it’s starting to show up in how we’re engaging with our family, with children, maybe how we are showing up at work,” said Archana Basu, a Chan School epidemiologist and Harvard Medical School assistant professor of psychology at Massachusetts General Hospital.

The next step, according to Basu, is to address the behavior changes with children.

“We know that honest communication that is direct and describes what is happening — the impact on the family or the immediate environment — is key,” she said. “Younger children need more concrete information about things like difficulty getting out of bed or how a parent might be feeling because it’s harder for a younger child to understand a parent’s emotional state if they’re not described in more concrete terms. Older children, on the other hand, often have heard about it. They have access to a lot of information online.”

Parents can ask what their kids have read online, and any questions they might have, said Basu. “And throughout it all, noting that, ‘You know me as your parent. I’m the best source of information for you about my health.’”

Richard Weissbourd, a senior lecturer at the Harvard Graduate School of Education and director of the Making Caring Common Project, agrees that communication is essential.

“Even at a pretty young age, you can tell kids, ‘I’m experiencing something that’s upsetting, and it’s not about you.’ And the data show it’s healthy and a huge relief for kids,” he said.

Plus, open communication can be a learning opportunity for children.

“Kids really want to understand how you cope with something, and depression anxiety can have damaging effects on kids. But it’s also true that parents who are depressed and anxious often have a lot of wisdom about suffering and have wisdom to share. And I would encourage parents to think about what wisdom they have to share.”

For Jayne Singer, a psychologist and HMS assistant professor of pediatrics at Boston Children’s Hospital, teaching moments can also come when our stress manifests in temper flare-ups — when a child gets on mom’s last nerve and she snaps.

“After there’s been a disconnect, after there’s been a mismatch, there is the opportunity to come back into relationship and model the key things that we’re helping children to develop as emotionally competent people,” she said. “The ability to express the emotion, be able to understand that the emotion was tied to a circumstance, and then it led to an impulse and behavior. So, if after losing it, coming back in and saying, ‘You know what? I was feeling really angry. I was feeling really frustrated. I love you.’”

Moreover, she said, parents need to acknowledge that they are not going to be perfect when trying to raise the next generation.

“We’re not holding ourselves up as paragons, but we are saying we too are going to lose our temper sometimes,” she said. “Young children test our limits, they test the limits of our patience. And that’s a crucial thing for them to understand in order to develop empathy. Like, ‘Oh, right, my behavior does have an effect on other people. I need to learn how to manage my own impulses that come from my own upset.’”

For Weissbourd, the focus for parents should be on this long-term emotional development, rather than parents policing their kids’ achievements or day-to-day emotional well-being.

“Hyper-focus on achievement and on well-being moment-to-moment often overwhelms our focus on kids tuning into other people, empathizing with other people, caring for other people,” he said. “And when they’re able to do those things, they’re going to have better relationships their whole life. They’re going to be better parents. They’re going to be better romantic partners, better friends, and that’s the most robust and durable source of happiness that we have.”

On a macro level, the panelists pointed to the need for better food and housing security for parents, more parks and recreation programs and places for kids and for parents to informally gather in community. But on the micro level, parents can take control of day-to-day habits for stress management like exercise or talking with a friend.

Singer suggests taking a few seconds to oneself when the day gets overwhelming.

“Can you give yourself permission to pick yourself up out of the fray, go to the bathroom and do a body scan, even if it’s for 30 seconds? Where am I feeling the tension? Is it my head? Is it my stomach? Is it my chest? Are my shoulders up at my ears? Take 30 seconds to take care of yourself and breathe,” she said. “Or do progressive muscle relaxation, just little micro practices to punctuate the day. Often, with that message of being nurturing and responsive, we forget to take care of ourselves.”

And when parents aren’t perfect, the panel all agreed that it’s better to apologize after the fact and continue trying to improve.

“What I’ve learned is the parenting journey and the opportunity to repair is never over,” Koenen said. “I’ve had conversations with my son as a teenager and emerging adult about things in the past related to my parenting stress and honest conversations where he said to me, ‘It was hard when I was young. You were really stressed.’ And I just said, ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry I showed up like this.’ It’s great if you can repair in the short term, but life will also present you with deep opportunities in the long term.”