How to take yourself less seriously

Natalie Dattilo is an instructor of psychology at Harvard Medical School.

There are many categories of humor. Self-deprecating humor is its own category.

I use laughter and humor when treating people struggling with depression and anxiety. Self-deprecating humor can be useful in a clinical setting. I use it myself to show its power and invite connection. For example, I’m a mom and I’m constantly saying, “mom failing,” and things like that. I think that’s fine because to call yourself out like that provides a bit of the unexpected and sends the message that it’s OK not to take yourself so seriously. Bringing humor into that conversation is also beneficial because of the safety it signals. Humor lightens the load or defuses the intensity of that moment, and can help facilitate emotion regulation, which will help you re-establish some sense of clarity and perspective.

The term self-deprecating humor makes it sound much more negative than it is. For me, it is not making fun of yourself; it is taking yourself, or the situation that you’re in, less seriously. People who tend to use self-deprecating humor effectively are quite humble and self-aware. These are people who see themselves for who they are, for better or worse, and they have come to accept that. It signals some level of self-confidence. There is an openness and willingness to be vulnerable. It also highlights the likability of people who don’t take themselves very seriously. 

Learning how to take yourself less seriously without putting yourself down is important.

What’s interesting about the use of self-deprecating humor is that it’s almost somewhat spontaneous, which can be very revealing. The language being used can sometimes be indicative of somebody who is coming from a place of hurt or low self-esteem. Extreme self-criticism and the use of very harsh language to talk about yourself, including the tone and the context, matter.

Sometimes, self-deprecation can be used as a bid for attention. Somebody might be using what sounds like humor, but what it’s drawing from us is sympathy. It may also be a little off-putting on the receivers. When you’re saying something that you think is funny, but other people are like, “Oh, that’s not funny,” then do a closer look within to see where some of that is originating from, and what’s the hope in expressing that. Also, when we take ourselves too seriously or take the situations that we find ourselves in too seriously, it can create a feedback loop, in which we are feeling negatively about ourselves and putting negativity out and having that also fed back to us.

Learning how to take yourself less seriously without putting yourself down is important. If you say something that comes into your mind, and you think it’s funny, when you say it, does it make you feel better, or does it make you feel worse? Or does it elicit the response that you were hoping for?

It’s interesting to note that self-deprecating humor tends to be more common in individualistic cultures, while collective cultures often make fun of others. Western cultures put more emphasis on relatability and approachability; being able to have people relate to you by signaling flaws and vulnerabilities sends the message that everybody has struggles and we are all in this together. Cultures that are more collective tend to poke fun at one another because there’s a different sense of community. It’s the same way in which you’d would poke fun at your sibling. It’s good-natured, and it’s not meant to cause ill or harm.

I see a lot of us taking things to an extreme in a way that’s not helpful and probably not healthy. Taking ourselves less seriously is a tool to bring us back into some better balance, either within ourselves or with other people. As an example, think about two people who disagree deeply about something and have trouble connecting with each other. In those situations, finding common ground through something that may be humorous could be a game-changer. That sounds like I’m exaggerating the power of humor, but when we take ourselves too seriously, we end up isolating ourselves and that prevents us from connecting with others.

— As told to Liz Mineo/Harvard Staff Writer